Hello, and welcome to my studio. I'm Ian, and this is my little corner of the internet.
regarding previous posts
reality. life. death. ground. water. fire. the buck controls all. the buck looks at the world and decides what is valuable.
Within seconds of waking up my consciousness expands across the globe. The little black box in my hand says that inflation is the worst in 4 decades. It shows me a dead family lying on a street in Ukraine. It reminds me of the global pandemic. It tells me I'm broke. It mocks my personality. The heat of my body is sucked into the cold mattress. An hour and a half after waking up, reality begins to tear at the seams, but I throw the blanket off and black box away before it does. My cat jumps up to greet me and remind me that she's quite hungry. Going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and putting on clothes remind me of my senses. Cooking and eating breakfast bring me back to the present. The gym reminds me of perseverance, of improvement, and the absurdity of it all. The black box sits there, watching, listening. It tells me that I have a project due in less than an hour. It provides calming music. Class reminds me of my loneliness. Driving further reenforces it. The coffee shop reminds me that things actually are pretty nice in the world. The tea is sweet, but also bitter with a hint of spice. As I sit here, tossing my thoughts at a bigger black box, the present moment is all that exists. But the black box doesn't me want to think that way. The black box wants my attention. It wants my love. It wants my soul. It wants my money. It wants my future and my past. The black box is the only companion by my side. And there's no escaping it.
Here I am, sitting in a silent car in a windy parking lot. The lovely chatter of others penetrates the cold and lifeless glass and metal as I see a string of lights hanging off a tree dangling in the wind. It was supposed to be a place to meet others like me, but instead it is just another place among the countless others that was a failed attempt. Hello black box, yet again you provide me with some semblance of belonging, even if none of it is real. Being among the first generation where the lines of virtuality and reality are becoming blurred and spending a majority of my formative years lost in virtual worlds, the real world sometimes seems foreign to me. This black box is now all I have that I can use to get access to a virtual world. I don’t have a PC nor any console. I haven’t for a few years now, most of which I have spent that time trying to become more familiar with the physical world. But just earlier today I had a thought cross my mind, a desire of getting lost in a virtual world similar to one I did years ago. But why is this? Is it because I can create and control that virtual world in any way I see fit? Is it because that virtual world can connect me with others in a way that I can’t in the physical world? Is it because that virtual world can provide me a place where I’m truly alone, something I enjoy? I’m sure these are all factors to the true answer. But why is it I left those virtual worlds? Because it’s a waste of time? Because I felt like shit after? Because I didn’t meet others like me? Because it’s not productive? Again, those are all factors. But I can say the exact same things regarding my time in the physical world. Socialization is exhausting for me, both virtually and physically, and doing so in either has yet to bear any real fruit. So why bother? Tell me the answer black box. Or don’t, you never do.